OMG What Am I Doing?

As I stood in line at the Chinese embassy in Los Angeles to get my visa, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. People in the office were typical bureaucrats. Not helpful, a bit rude, blank stares back at you when you ask a question. Not the most welcoming situation when moving to another country. I imagined what immigrants in this country must feel like when they don’t speak English and have to muddle through the different government offices. I realized that there is no turning back now. I am moving to another country where I don’t speak the language, cant read the signs, don’t know the culture and have never even visited before.

I had just packed up my life, put some things in storage, gave things away and donated the rest to a local charity.  When you pack everything you own, you start to really look at what is important. Why did I keep this or that? Why do I have every business card I was ever given?  Why did I save mementos from some trip that I can’t even remember now?  Also I came acro

ss special things. a coffee mug given to me by someone I love, a photo that transports me to a special place. Sometimes these objects carry so much power. Power to bring up emotion.  Packing was a slow process because often I found myself looking at certain object and just holding on to the memories it represented. Some brought smiles to my face, others tears to my eyes.  So I put things in piles. Wrapped up the things I wanted to keep in paper, and taped up the boxes.

At times like this you tend to re-evaluate friendships as well. Who are my real friends, who are just acquaintances, who are not really friends at all?  As I said goodbye to people during the couple of weeks before I left, I realized something obvious to most people: When you have real friends, they don’t have to live close to you. Even if it has been years since you have seen each other, you just pick up where you left off just like you had seen them only a week ago.  I said my goodbyes to people I have shared so much with. Kayaking friends who I have paddled with in Baja and the Channel Islands. People I have sat around a campfire with. We remembered funny things that happened to us or to others.  I was so happy to experience all of that fun in my life. To meet some of the most amazing people that in many ways I don’t feel like I have a right to know. I am a very lucky and rich man when it comes to friends and people I have come across.

I had read a book called “ A year to live”. The premise was to live your life as if you only had one year to live. It was a good idea in theory but I had a very hard time wrapping my head around the concept. I mean if I only had a year to live I wouldn’t worry about things like taxes, I would probably not worry about doing things that weren’t good for me.  Living my life like this wouldn’t really be the best idea. I know that’s not what the author had in mind but I just couldn’t get myself to stop arguing with his idea. With this move and the saying goodbyes, I finally was able to feel the spirit of the book. I had to rephrase the premise a little. Live life as if you were going to say goodbye to your friends and family and may not see them for a long time. I noticed that I was appreciating everything around me more. The way light attached to the San Diego landscape late in the afternoon. The people that I really care for, every hour with my grandchildren all of a sudden seemed richer because I was more present. Every conversation with someone I consider a friend seemed more poignant. Every hug felt deeper and warmer. I was more present and connected in the last few weeks in San Diego than I can remember. I was in it! I wish I had discovered that much earlier in life. Live life not as if you will be dead in a year but live life as if you wont see your friends and family for a long time. Live life as if you were moving to China in a couple weeks.

At my goodbye/birthday party, Steve Wilson played the guitar and made up some lyrics for me. Everyone sang happy birthday. I looked around at all those faces and wondered when I would see them again. It was a strong reminder to live in the moment. Enjoy your friends and family while they are around. It was also a reminder that even when they aren’t around, you carry them in your heart.