Don't sweat it.

Don’t sweat it.

I make a short trip to Wumart for supplies. I am getting better at finding what I need. I gather all of the items on my short list and have only one left. Deodorant. There is an entire wall of soaps, lanes and lanes of hair care products shampoos etc. There are lightening creams a la Michael Jackson. There are energizing lotions, there are all manner of toothpaste and lotions and products that tighten your skin, moisturize your skin, darken or lighten your hair. Everything you can imagine….. except deodorant! Maybe there is a national shortage I wonder. Some ship ran afoul of bad weather and it was carrying the entire supply of deodorant for Northern China. I find this odd but also know that I often get a bit dyslectic when it comes to places like this. I have passed something that I was looking for ten times only to see what I needed on the eleventh. So I think it must be me.

So now I have to find a Wumart customer service person and resort to pantomime my desire for some kind of roll-on spray-on or otherwise anti-sweat and smell stuff. I find someone who has a kind face someone who looks quiet and friendly and probably wont fall on the ground laughing as I raise my arm and make like a monkey getting ready for the prom. She understands instantly and walks me over to an isle I have been past countless times. Ahh my quest is done I think. She points to one can. One. I pick it up and low and behold it says antiperspirant in English at the bottom of the bottle. I say thank you and then she makes gestures like no you can’t buy this! I look confused and she says something I don’t understand and then puts the bottle back on the shelf. I deduce that it must be only a display bottle and ask if there is another bottle. She shakes her head then starts yelling to her co-workers across the store. I am assuming she is asking if there is any more of this stuff for this man who must smell bad! In situations like this I try to think of the worst case scenario. I could have been asking for hemorrhoid medicine. I leave with what was left of my dignity.

How can a store so large not have deodorant? I mean I have been on crowded busses and no one smells bad! So I ask my resident expert Craig who has been here several years and has a Chinese girlfriend. What up with the deodorant thing? He explains that Chinese don’t sweat. What! I think he is putting me on. No really they don’t sweat like we do. He recounts going for a run with his girlfriend and after a while noticing that he is drenched and she is dry as a bone. Who are these magical people who don't need deodorant??? They will surely take over the world! I mean, they study hard, their smart, they own the US economy and THEY DON'T SWEAT!!! How can we compete against that? 

I can sense that a small panic is starting among my fellow new ex-pats. I have extra, you can have one of mine…wait then I will be out and the summer is hot! What if I can’t find any either?   Everyone start hording your deodorant! My friend Bill says he brings back a years supply every time he goes to the States. I picture some smart foreigner who has figured this out and smuggles in cases of right guard and sells them for the price of a small car to unsuspecting guys like me. Meet me tomorrow and bring unmarked bills. Put them in a stuffed new years bunny and leave it next to the recycle bin. You will get a phone call telling you where to go. Say the secret word and you will get one stick of D. 

Man this is going to get complicated. I start feeling the sweat beading up on my forehead!   Noooooo! Craig says. There is a place called Watsons where you can buy it. Phew! 

Happy Valentines Day. Now get out there and rent a boyfriend!

A headline in China Daily says that single women who want to avoid the nagging of parents when they return home during spring festival have resorted to renting fake boyfriends for the trip. The photo showed a woman holding up a sign saying fake boyfriend needed for spring festival. 10,000 yuan  (which is about 1500 US) for five days work. They had to be from 26 -30 at least 1.75 meters tall and insightful. The general conception in China is the older you get the fewer marriage opportunities you have. The idea has spread to want adds in micro-blogging sites. Hmmm sounds like a movie plot….Chinese woman hires man to play her lover so that she can get mom and dad off her back and just enjoy a nice Spring Festival dinner without any hassle. Meanwhile the guy begins to fall in love with her only to find out that they are long lost cousins! Awkward hijinks ensues……  Supporters of the idea say that it saves people from spending the holidays fighting with their families about why they haven’t gotten married and for the rented boyfriend, he gets some free travel and a place to stay.

Women feel the pressure of turning 30 with no boyfriend or possible marriage proposals. They often spend the holiday getting nagged by their parents. I imagine it goes something like this. “Your cousin is married and she is ugly! What’s wrong with you?? You need to learn how to cook! You should change your hair? Etc. etc. Mother daughter relationships are the same everywhere I think.

I was surprised to hear that Valentines Day is big in China. The flower market is happy about that. So I guess when it comes to making money these made for commerce holidays are universal. I can only imagine what will happen on Easter being the year of the Rabbit. As for me, I doubt if Valentines day is going to send cupid over to my place with his or her magic arrows. As far as I can see, there are two types of women in Beijing. Really young beautiful women in their 20s and early 30s and really old women. I don’t see much In between. To be a young single American in Beijing has to be heaven for romantic opportunities. To be an overweight bearded man in his early 50s = Not so Heaven. Most of the time as I walk down the street women just look down. This may be a big city thing. DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT!  It does get lonely sometimes here. Wiser people than I tell me you have to be comfortable on your own before you can be good in a real relationship. I get to practice that for a while.

I don’t think I can consider myself handsome to Beijing women. I don’t really base it on any facts just looking at who their stars are on TV. Those guys don’t look like me. The only guys on TV who have facial hair beside the Monkey King, are gangsters and old kung fu masters. The Kung fu masters have those really cool long beards that go well with their long eyebrows. The other day I had a couple of security guards want to take my picture. They weren’t being sneaky like they were on foreigner patrol more like they were excited to take my picture. I let them take some snaps with their cell phone and waved. I was asking my friend Craig if this happens often. He said they probably thought I was George Clooney. Ok before you get excited. I don’t look like the handsome tuxedo wearing suave George. More like the fatter grey bearded old tired George of Syriana. I have gotten this before. I figure better to look like a chubby bearded version of George than no Clooney at all. So maybe it is time to hit the gym and someday shave off the beard. 

Now everyone has told me that Chinese women love western men. I think that is partially true. Chinese women who want to move to the U.S. do love American men. It’s not fair to make that a general statement. I think there are plenty of Chinese women who love living in China and are more independent than before. We always assume everyone wants to move to the U.S. I haven’t really been here long enough to make an educated judgment of romance in China or the opportunities for moi but at the moment I am just getting to meet new friends, trying to learn a language and find my way around in a new job. That is plenty to deal with at the moment. For now I am keeping the beard because it is COLD! Hopefully, next spring festival I won’t have to be standing around in the Forbidden City holding a sign saying Fake girlfriend for rent! 

Snow!!

Beijing had the first snow of winter today. It is the latest date for the first snowfall of the year in 60 years. There has been a drought through northern China and there has been much talk about the fact that it hasn’t snowed yet. I think some people see it as a bad omen. Almost every day there is a story about the drought in China Daily. Yesterday had a front-page photo of Chinese military shooting cannons into the air trying to seed the clouds. Next day it snows. Coincidence? If I was a cloud and the Chinese military started shooting cannons at me, I would drop a little snow. The Forbidden City was covered in a thin white veil and it made it appear even more mysterious. The snow makes the city seem very peaceful and quiet. People stop to appreciate the snow and there is almost a feeling of relief in the air that it finally arrived. There is another feeling in the air……Frickin cold!

I go with an intern to JingshanPark, which is near the Forbidden City. After entering the gate I see a group of people who seem to be of retirement age. They are playing a game called Ti Jian Zi which is played with a large shuttlecock and looks like Hackey Sack. The participants stand in a circle and try to keep the bird from hitting the ground. They can use their feet and other body parts but can’t use their hands. I am impressed at how good these folks are. They are making moves that are impressive and it strikes me that they are having the time of their lives. They laugh and seem to be able to keep going without a miss for a long time. It turns out they come to the park every day to play for fun and exercise. Also they come for the companionship. I really enjoy taking their photos. The snow or age didn’t slow them down at all.

Soon we are climbing very slippery stone steps up to the Wanchun Pavilion. It is magnificent on top of a steep hill with a dusting of snow. I am told we will get a good view of the Forbidden City from there. After a cold breathless climb to the top we are rewarded with a view of the north gate of a place I have only seen in movies. It looks amazing! I can easily imagine ancient Chinese soldiers lining up in the city. For someone who has grown up in Southern California where the oldest buildings are from the 1800s, seeing buildings built 1406 to 1420 fascinates me. For 500 years this was the home of emperors. This is the center of a city that right now seems to be the center of the universe. There are several photographers at the Wanchun Pavilion taking photos of the view. The Pavilion itself is beautiful. Inside sits a huge golden Buddha. There are five pavilions in the park. Each one used to house a Buddha but the European Allies looted them in the 1900s.  During the Ming Dynasty, the pavilion was the highest point in Beijing.

Bei Jing translates to Northern Capital. Bei= North. Jing= capital. It has a long history as the seat of power for China. The Ming Dynasty, the Qing Dynasty, the Republic of China and the People’s Republic of China have all called Beijing the capital city. Even before the unification of China, Beijing was the capital of the state of Yan. So it has seen its share of battles, takeovers and invasions. If you read about the history of Beijing, you just get exhausted. I can’t remember what I had for lunch yesterday much less keep 3,000 years of history in my head.  

The snow clears the air of some of the pollution and it feels good to breathe a little fresher air. This is such an interesting place: A real blend of ancient history and architecture and some of the most modern buildings I have ever seen. There is a mall in San Letun which is huge. It is in the middle of an area where westerners hang out. It has a giant tv screen which shows models pitching the latest perfume or fashion or just beautiful video. There is also an Apple store! The giant Apple logo shines like a beacon  high up on the building.  If you look up beacon in the dictionary it usually says something like 

beacon |ˈbēkən|

nouna fire or light set up in a high or prominent position as a warning, signal, or celebration
I think the warning signal is a good description in this case. Itis telling you that soon you will be separated from your hardearned Kuai! I am like a moth drawn to a flame. DONTLOOK AT THE LIGHT! Someone yells I look over and heis on the side of the wall with his little moth wings singed.CANT STOP....HELP ME!!  So like a moth, the beam oflight emanating from the apple in the sky catches me in itsgravitational pull and soon I am not even walking. It just lifted me up and pulled me in. The nice man at the doorinvites me in with a smile. The light beam sets me downgently in front of the Ipods. The attractive woman offers helpwith perfect english. Soon I am giving my credit card over paying about 60 dollars more than I would in the U.S. Thelight drops me and I am out the door. How did thathappen???? I wasn't even aware I was in the store. Weird! Iam slightly outraged that I am paying more but I soon forgotas I struggled to open the package. The packaging on theIpod could keep out the Mongol horde more effectively thanthe Great Wall! Now I have my new toy and like a child, Ihave forgotten all about the magic light and the pain to mywallet. Now before you judge there is a practical reason Iwanted the Ipod. You can get a great app for telling cabdrivers where you want to go in Beijing. And I could havespent about 1000 on an Iphone but instead bought a cheapphone and the Ipod instead.  I am one small step closer to communicating with cab drivers. Looks like Iwon't be left standing in the snow. 

Old friends never die they just find a new place to hang out.

I have only been in China for a little over a week when I find out an old friend is on assignment in China and will be in Beijing soon. We connect on the Internet and say we will try to meet up. I have known Rob for almost 30 years. We were best of friends and worked along side each other as photographers. He is a passionate photojournalist and I think we always brought out the best of each other when we were on staff at the San Diego Union-Tribune. Even before that we would look at each other’s photographs in the papers we worked for and would critique the work. I always kept in mind that someone was out there looking at my work so I better do a good job. After he left the UT for the Los Angeles Times, we started to drift apart; not because of any rift at all just things got busy. I became director of photography in San Diego and was caught up in the newfound pressures of the job and he was working to establish himself in a competitive staff in LA. It had been 10 years since we talked face to face. How odd that we would travel half way around the world to hang out.

While we walk to a restaurant, I am approached by a beautiful woman, who starts talking to me. I miss the first couple words but pick up “lady bar? Massagee?” It takes me a few seconds to realize what is going on. She is trying to divert us to a place where you don’t really get a massage; you get a masaaaageeee which I am told is code for prostitution. I nicely decline. Rob and I go on to a dinner 

It was great to see him and we picked up right where we left off. Like I had just seen him a week ago. Caught up with stories and talked about our kids who are grown up. Those bonds are still there and I am grateful for that. The only negative is that he hasn’t aged a day so I may have to destroy him but that will come later. I feel more and more comfortable in my surroundings and having Rob here just adds a great touch to being in country. Suddenly I don’t feel alone at all. I am just a long plane ride away. Rob has been to China twice now. Once, to cover the Olympics and this time for a series of stories around China. He doesn’t speak Mandarin. We talk about the foibles of trying to get around. He is able to hire a fixer or translator for his assignments but employs the old –have the concierge at the hotel write your destination on a card for the cab driver trick- when he doesn’t have access to the translator.

After a few drinks, we decide to try a complex and dangerous maneuver. Both get in a cab and try to get the driver take us to two different locations. This is a move that is usually done but people with far more experience with the language. We decide that Rob’s hotel is closer to where we are so he used his card. The cab driver studies the card as if he is carrying the Holy Grail to its final destination. Then he seems confident and off we go. After some time Rob is relieved to see some landmarks that indicate we are indeed heading to his hotel. We say our goodbyes then with confidence, I rattle off my destination and hope for the best. We make it home.  A night well spent and I promise myself that it won’t be 10 years till our next meeting. 

Yes the fireworks are still going on. 

I read an interesting fact in China Daily this morning. Apparently they are blaming fireworks for an increase in fires. Hmmmmmmmmm. Shocking! I wonder how millions of people setting off fireworks from their front doors and alleys could possible start a fire or two. Actually they sited that firefighters fought 5,945 fires in a 32 hour period. Last year firefighters fought 7,480 fires across the country during the entire seven-day spring festival. I sense a new campaign coming with Smokey the Panda asking people to be responsible with their sparklers. I am immune to the booming sound now. It is just background noise. It is kind of nice to see that kind that light show every night. 

 

Fireworks day 6 Is there a mute button out there?

So after originally being overwhelmed by the amazing display of fireworks for spring festival, I am now looking for earplugs so I can sleep through the constant barrage of explosions. Holy crap! How long does this go on? I mean I love fireworks don’t get me wrong but couldn’t we have a mute button for a bit of quiet?  I start to realize there is a pattern. The guy down the street to my right is going for big noise but not much flash. He is consistent about one giant boom every four or five minutes. The guy in the street directly in front of my apartment is competing with another guy just to the left for height and flash. One guys sets off a barrage of colorful projectiles then the other then back to the first. Sprinkled in to that is an occasional burst here and boom there. I am getting shell-shocked and it isn’t even a war zone! I imagine myself trying to negotiate the route to my coffee shop. I picture someone yelling at me to zig and zag my way past the mortars shooting off skyrockets. Look out! Run no stop! Go left! No go right! Hit the deck! ….Ok it isn’t even that bad, my imagination starts to get the best of me (too many cartoons when I was young I think).

I realized that I needed a few things to make my apartment complete. It is fully furnished with some kitchen utensils and a few bowls plates and glasses. The furniture is very nice. I just needed some essentials like hangers for the closet and cleaning stuff so off to WuMart again. I decided to walk it. It is about a kilometer away and a nice walk in the cold air. I did my shopping and went to checkout. We managed though sign language to get the money thing taken care of and I waited for the check out person to bag my purchases. She started to help the next person then saw that I was still standing there looking perplexed. She signed to me to see if I wanted bags. You apparently buy the plastic bags if you need them. I yuan for two bags. Ok I am learning slowly.

Getting used to looking foolish but I wonder how long before it just becomes my way of life. Here I am looking foolish getting food, here I am looking foolish getting coffee, etc etc. I’m feeling lucky and decide to hail a cab to see if I can get myself home. It was more out of necessity though because the bags where pretty heavy. I hailed a cab and proudly announced my destination in Mandarin. Instead of the usual reaction I get when I try Mandarin, I got a nod and then he asked questions I think like where on Huixie Dongie (Pronouced roughly wheesheendawngeay). I say Jing mao das mei.  I arrived home feeling a bit proud of myself that I could around and get back home without too much trouble. Then a feeling of stupidity came over me. Come on! I am 53 years old and feeling good about myself for doing something so basic as getting myself home? I should be able to do that anywhere by now! What is the matter with me? 

When I was a photographer working for the San Diego Union-Tribune, I had done assignments in the jungles of Chiapas, and in various parts of Mexico. I have spent time driving in France and even survived Detroit! I have gotten soft I think to myself. You are embarrassing yourself! I decide that I won’t be letting this language thing get me down. I decide to cut myself some slack. As a photojournalist, I would just hire a fixer (someone who translates for you and helps you get around). I don’t think I can afford a live in fixer right now so I will just have to be patient. The thing is, I am meeting people here that seem so kind and so interesting and I want to talk to them to find out about how they think.

I have never considered myself someone who travels well. But usually I manage pretty well to get myself around. When in Chiapas I manage to get myself on a truck heading into the jungle to look for Sub Comandante Marcos, the leader of the Zapatistas. There I was in the southern most Mexican state standing on the bumper of a slat truck searching for a man who had the guts to attack the Mexican army with a small band of rebels with a few rifles and sticks. Ok so we didn’t find him but at that time he didn’t want to be found. Months after I had returned to San Diego, Marcos made himself available to just about every media outfit around. He even posed for a layout in Vogue I think it was. So while I am no James Nachtwey, I have been able to get around. I realize that my bad knees are a real hindrance I will seek out a good acupuncturist while here. Maybe that will help.

Aging sucks especially when you aren’t that old. I lament the fact that I didn’t come here when I was younger but there is a reason I am supposed to be here now. China is the center of the universe right now. I need to learn what brought me here. Too many things had to happen for me to arrive at this place in this time. A breakup with a girlfriend of four years, the loss of a job I had for 25 years, some willingness on my part to get out of my comfort zone. There is a freedom that comes with letting it go and just seeing where life leads you. A good friend told me that she had learned that sometimes life just takes a left turn and you find yourself in a whole new universe. China is my left turn. 

Fireworks in the Bedroom.

No not that kind of fireworks in the bedroom! A large part of lunar new-year involves fireworks. They are meant to scare away evil spirits. I think these particular evil spirits must be deaf because they don't seem to be taking any chances. More is always better in the business of scaring away evil spirits. The Lunar NewYear (spring festival) fireworks aren’t like 4^th of July fireworks. They are not done by the city, they are shot off by local folks. You won't see fancy shapes and words spelled out in the sky but  what they might lack in style, they more than make up for in quantity.  On Feb second, you hear explosions all day long; a few over here a few over there.  When they echo off the buildings in Beijing, they sound like bombs more than firecrackers. As the day becomes night you notice the frequency start to build. More rapid-fire cracks and it starts to sound like a war zone. Skyrockets start appearing on the horizon and it builds and builds. I walked with some co-workers down alleys in the Houhai area of Beijing. It is situated in the center or traditional hutongs near the drum and bell towers. 


Young men are setting off strings of firecrackers and the street lights up for a few seconds. Then a man walks out and sets what looks like a box on the ground and after suggesting we back away lights it with a cigarette. He runs much farther away than I find myself and I start to think that I am a bit too close. Soon mortar-like rockets fly into the air with a loud bang and explode high above us in bright colors. It is a beautiful sight and to know that it is happening in almost every street and alley in Beijing gives me a feeling of being connected to the whole city. After a walk around the frozen lake and dinner at No- Name restaurant (there is a sign outside which states you are at No Name restaurant), we set off to look for No-Name bar where we are supposed to meet friends. The problem with no name bar is that it is hard to find at least it was for us. Two of my companions had been there before and were in disagreement over where it was . It is near the bridge one said. No it is on the other side of the lake, said another. I just followed along as we walked one direction for a while then turned back and went the other direction for a while then back the other way etc. It is important to go with people that are starting out sober I think to my self.  After walking for quite a while in the cold, we decide to head over to Nanluoguxiang  a street filled with cafes and bars. We find a Spanish bar called Salud. A quick drink and back to the apartment. 


The sound of fireworks is constant now. I look out my seventh floor balcony and can see skyrockets and flashes somewhere every second. I could see that midnight would be crazy. A friend told me to imagine every fireworks show I have seen in my life and put them all together and that might describe New Years in Beijing. As midnight nears the frequency of the blasts grow tighter and tighter. Then midnight hits. If you remember news reports from Iraq as the bombing began? Well that is nothing compared to that this sounded like. 


When I lived in Escondido, California, New Year's Eve was a bit disturbing because the local homeboys would shoot guns into the air at midnight. I'm not talking a little gun. Nooooo. I'm talking shotguns and semi-automatic weapons. Except for the off chance that those bullets would come down and go though my roof it was almost comforting. If someone every invaded my neighborhood, the cholos could easily fight off anything but the most well equipped army. 


Looking out my bedroom window, it was a non-stop light show. The entire city was celebrating. I have always thought that celebrations like this unite people even if they are miles apart. When your favorite baseball team wins the world series, New Years and other holidays always make me feel a connection to my fellow man. Being so far away I find myself wishing I could share this spectacle with friends and family back home.

The Houhai  hutong is reflected in the frozen lake Houhai. The building in the center is the historic drum tower.

A pair of inflatable golden lions decorate the walkway near HouHai lake. 

新年快樂 or Happy New Year.

Chinese New Year ( called Lunar New Year or Spring Festival ) is the most important holiday in China. Many people leave the city to go home to other parts of China and spend the holiday with their family. In fact it is the largest annual human migration in history as hundreds of millions of Chinese head home by planes, trains busses and cars. Beijing becomes a ghost town with only a few restaurants and stores are open. WuMart was open but few others. This year is the year of the Rabbit. There are 12 signs of the zodiac and they each take turn having their years. The signs are Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Sheep, Monkey, Rooster, Dog and Pig.  So everywhere are images of cute bunnies. It is a little hard to take as everywhere I look I see bugs bunny. Next year should be really cool because it will be the year of the Dragon! But for now I am stuck with fluffy bunnies. Bugs would be proud.

A little history. According to legend a mythical beast called Nian would emerge on the first day of the new year and devour, crops and a pig hear and a cow there. But Nian was a glutton and went too far by devouring villagers and especially children. Once they saw Nian cower from a little child wearing red. So they figured Nian was afraid of red and that is why you see that color everywhere. When I say everywhere I mean red banners on every building. red lanterns hanging from the trees, you can't have enough red! Nian was also afraid of firecrackers so the villagers used them to keep him away. I can't blame him for being afraid of firecrackers. I mean they could put an eye out!  Eventually, as the legend continues  Nian was captured by a Taoist monk by the name of Hongiun Laozu. He never came back to the village again. Good riddance Nian. Anyone who devours children has to go I say.

I went with a Chinese photographer to take photos of the opening ceremony at the Temple of the Earth. There are four main temples surrounding the Forbidden City he told me,  Temple of the Sun, Temple of the moon, Temple of the Earth and Temple of Heaven. The Temple of Earth is the second largest of the four temples second to Temple of Heaven and was built during the Ming Dynasty. The Temple fair was held on The eve of Spring Festival and it was attended by large crowds. The opening ceremony was preformed in the middle on a large stone altar.  A character playing the emperor is praying for rain in this reenactment as soldiers stand in formation with beautiful costumes. Since Northern China is going through a very long drought, it seems very appropriate for the prayers. 

The crowd lines up around the stage and seems delighted with the ceremony. But for all of the photographers, videographers and TV reporters doing standups from the stage you could easily transport yourself back to the time of the great dynasties.  Outside the gates are lines of shops selling crafts, booths selling traditional foods like tea soup and some kind of tofu sausage. 

There is a line of booths offering to separate Chinese from their hard earned kuai (local slang for Yuan) with a game of chance. Not much different from a county fair in the US. Shoot the basketball thought he just barely large enough hoop. Fish for a bag of goodies, each bag guaranteed to contain a prize! People seem relaxed posing in front of trees decorated with many lanterns or in front of a large rabbit signifying the year of the rabbit. The fair feels like a combination of street fair and larger county fair but with shows and Chinese opera. Parents buy their children treats to eat like skewered meat or maybe if you are really good a small grilled squid on a stick. Crafts are a big thing during the fair and I am struck by the skill of a man who is weaving together animals from what looks like bamboo leaves. He has made a frog, and some grasshoppers.

 It is amazingly beautiful and relaxing. I see a small girl with her parents and try to take her picture. I think she mistook me for Nian himself because she had a horrified look on her face and froze like a statue. Her parents laughed and with sign language indicated that she hasn't seen many people with beards before. I guess I won't be opening up a day care center.

Health care. Aaaaand there off!!!

Every foreigner who comes to China with a work visa has to undergo a series of tests at a hospital to make sure they are not importing any communicable diseases. The process involved a 40 min cab ride to the hospital. When you enter there are signs that give you step-by-step instructions on what you have to do. Sit down fill out paperwork. Check! Go to cashier and pay. Check! Have your picture taken. Check! Then began the most amazingly efficient display of getting people through a barrage of tests in record time. Picture the start of the Indy 500 or better yet some kind of strange game show where contestants have to get all of their exams done and the winner wins a million dollars. There are five rooms you need to visit. At first it seemed linear. Ellen, the wife of one of my coworkers was going to experience this with me. She went into the blood draw room. I sat outside waiting for my turn. Soon a lady in a white coat came out and beckoned me into another room. Why sit around waiting when you could be more efficient. She had me lay down on a table and with the sign language I am getting use to had me lift my shirt. Next the jelly squirt and then she pressed a wand on my belly and started searching. I have seen this before but only for pregnant women. Had my chart been switched with the other person?? I know I could lose some weight but really? Did you miss the beard? I don’t think I am pregnant! I was told later that they do an ultrasound of your liver. Hmm Ok. She put some napkins on my chest and belly and indicated that she was done. I wiped myself down and grabbed my coat. One down.

As soon as I left the room I was directed to another room for the blood draw. That was pretty straightforward but they took a lot of blood. Was I donating to the cause or are they keeping a supply for me incase I get hurt? Ok done out the door. I looked down the hall and there were more women in lab coats flagging me to one door then another. I walked towards then not sure what room to go to. They were waving in some kind of code like the guys on aircraft carriers who bring jets in safely. I zigged one way and zagged another way and saw Ellen doing the same dance. She went to the door on the right so they diverted me last second with a quick wave of the arm to the door on the left.

Eye test. The woman behind the desk said something in Mandarin, I did what I often do. Look confused. She said in broken English. Stand red line! Ok cover eye! Read! I was looking at something that looked like an E or was it an M or was it a W or was it a 3? Then my dull senses figured out just point up down left right. Four symbols and I was out of there! I could hear Jackie Stewart ( the Scottish motor race announcer) talking into the microphone. “AAAAnd heeee’s oooot of the Aayyy test and ooooff to X-Rrraaaay. As I shuffled hurriedly across to the next door I saw Ellen shuffle past me going the opposite direction. We were moving like a precision marching band holding our coats and paperwork in front of us like drums. We just missed each other as we crossed. Put there I was told. Ah a place for my coat. Stand! Hold this! That was the fastest pit stop I have ever had for a chest X-Ray.

Back across the quad to the last room. This time there were two men in lab coats.  Stand here! A scale I deduced and hopped on. I have never had anyone react quite this way when I stood on a scale. I mean a nurse or two have given me that subtle look like, shouldn’t we lose a little weight? But they at least try to be polite about it. The digital readout has a pause and I saw one man bend over as if to look closer. (You need to know that in China people differ greatly in size but most of that is vertically. They are mostly thin and either short medium or tall. I don’t really fit that description. I was told that there was a story about the fattest man in China who had weighed in at around 400 lbs. There are some states in the US, which I won’t name where that would just be called chubby.) The digital readout announced the results then a sound of what I can only describe as amazement. Ooooooh! Then some discussion in Mandarin. I imagined what they were saying. Check the machine! Could this be a mistake? Should we call the newspaper? Should we call the TV station? Could that number be right! Can a human being really weigh that much? Were they impressed or scared? I don’t really want to think about it but I am seriously thinking of joining a gym. And no, I am not even close to the record.  The other man slapped a blood pressure sleeve on my arm and I was hoping for the best. He looked very satisfied as if to say, for a man or your girth and mass you seem to have a good working heart! Whew. Chinese people are very direct. They will tell someone you are ugly or you are fat and don’t mean it as an insult. It is just a fact that they are letting you know in case that information is helpful to you in some way. This was one time I was glad to not understand the language.

I think the whole process of examinations took less than a half hour. A little paperwork to return to the desk and we were out. Impressive for its efficiency, but not big on bedside manner. I didn’t mind because they were just doing tests that are straightforward and I appreciated not taking all day to do it. The HR person took me to the bank next to establish an account so my checks could be deposited. After the hurry up efficiency of the hospital we walked into the banks and must have hit some kind of invisible force shield because everything slowed down. Take a number….Wait…..sit for a long period of time….More waiting…..sloooow. It seemed like hours waiting to get to the counter but luckily a friend warned me to take a book with me. I looked up from my book and eyed a young boy sneaking looks at me. He looked like he wanted to stare but couldn’t. Finally after about ten minutes of hide and seek I waved and he smiled and waved back. He said something to his mom or grandmother and she looked at him like he had accomplished something. Then he looked up and said Hi! I said hi back and had a friend.

I must look strange in a land of thin people with little facial hair. I don’t know what they must think of me but so far the Chinese people on the street are pretty much unaffected by my presence. They don’t stare, they smile back most of the time if I smile first. My Chinese colleagues at the newspaper are very welcoming. Extremely so. I am starting to feel more comfortable in a new land. I really wish the language was a bit easier but I just have to be patient. Finally our number comes up and we fill out paperwork. It is amazing how much paperwork is still done at the banks here. There are triplicate forms lots of stamping cool looking red circles with symbols on each copy of the papers. The teller is an intern or so it says on his nametag. Funny thing, his name is in characters but intern is in English. I am a bit bored and looking around when I notice a box that has the teller’s photo on it and three buttons.  Each button has a light above it and I realize you are supposed to grade your teller. Satisfactory, Average or Unsatisfactory. So the best you can do is Satisfactory? I guess banking is the same all over as far as customer satisfaction. I got my ATM card with an image of a bunny on it. Why? Oh that’s right year of the rabbit. A coworker informed me that hers had a Tiger. I should have gotten here last year. 

A trip to WuMart. Como se dice guacamole?

I realized that I had spent several days in the two-block cocoon that surrounds my apartment, the newspaper and the alley where the coffee shop and noodle shop sit. With my messed up knees, and the very cold weather, walking is not the best option for now. So what about taxis? Well first you have to remember that you are not just getting into a taxi to go from one place to another. You are climbing on to an E-ticket ride. (old reference I know) The other challenge is the language barrier. I haven’t met a taxi driver yet that speaks any English at all so you have to memorize how to say the address you want to go and also how to say where you live so you can get home.  Many people have someone write down the address on a card so you can show it to your driver. Unfortunately, some don’t read so you have to practice how to say where you want to go.

Ok so Wu Mei isn’t too bad for WuMart. Now lets see about getting back. Xuixin Dongjie Chaoyang District across from the University of……… Wait. Can’t I just say the name of the newspaper. No my friend tells me because a lot of the cabbies don’t know where it is. Ok what about the address Xuixin Dongjie etc.. Well that will work but you should also tell them that it is across the street from the University of….. Hey let’s take the bus!

So all you have to remember is what stop you get off and number of the busses that go there. I am following bill as we cross the street to the bus stop. When you cross the street you have to have a strategy, sprint for a zone of safety. Watch and wait, sprint for another zone of safety, watch sprint watch sprint. Pedestrians are not much more than speed bumps to many drivers in Beijing. I guess the best way to describe it is if you ever played the video game Frogger. I am sticking to Bill like a baby kangaroo to his mama. While we are froggering across the street he is rattling off bus numbers that go where we want to go. Was the 234 or 243, was that 354 or 435? Crap I can’t even hear him as he is in front of me. We stand there and a number of busses pass. This one he says and we jump on. The bus is only one kuai. On our short ride I try to memorize landmarks. Someday I will have to go out on my own! We get off and have to play frogger again to get to a tunnel that goes under a few lanes of traffic. Soon we are in front of Wu Mart.

It is a sprawling place with department store upstairs and groceries downstairs. They have almost anything you could want. As I wandered the cavernous market, I realized I needed shampoo and a few other things. Of course with everything written in characters, it is hard to tell the difference between shampoo and conditioner or soap or lotion. Could be any of them. I found one shampoo that looked familiar. Head and Shoulders! Ok that worked well but I just got lucky, as most of the products don’t have English names on the box. Again I feel like a child trying to negotiate in a strange place but I also remember that I feel a bit lost in large American stores so this isn’t that different.

All in all I think I can find all of the essentials that I will need and with a little sign language can figure out the money thing.  The grocery section was bustling with the Chinese people getting ready for Lunar New Years /Spring Festival, it is a busy time in grocery stores. They had great looking produce, interesting looking food including some bins filled with some kind of plump larvae or maybe they were grubs. I thought I would wait on that for a while. Bill isn’t too daring with food. He has declined to try things like scorpions on a stick, monkey brains or certain parts of the chicken that we might not find appetizing. Chicken feet are big here. He goes by the idea of, just because they eat it doesn’t mean he has to. The good thing for us is chicken breasts are cheap because they aren’t the most desired part of the bird. There is a fish tank where you can pick out the live fish to take home and toss on the bar-b. It is crowded and loud here as workers are shouting out that they have beef. They also have turtle, and other delicacies that I am not familiar with. Everyone seems to be in a hurry to make his or her selections and get out.  They had so much produce it seemed like I could find anything. Tortillas and guacamole weren’t available as far as I could tell. Maybe too much to ask for.