Don't sweat it.

Don’t sweat it.

I make a short trip to Wumart for supplies. I am getting better at finding what I need. I gather all of the items on my short list and have only one left. Deodorant. There is an entire wall of soaps, lanes and lanes of hair care products shampoos etc. There are lightening creams a la Michael Jackson. There are energizing lotions, there are all manner of toothpaste and lotions and products that tighten your skin, moisturize your skin, darken or lighten your hair. Everything you can imagine….. except deodorant! Maybe there is a national shortage I wonder. Some ship ran afoul of bad weather and it was carrying the entire supply of deodorant for Northern China. I find this odd but also know that I often get a bit dyslectic when it comes to places like this. I have passed something that I was looking for ten times only to see what I needed on the eleventh. So I think it must be me.

So now I have to find a Wumart customer service person and resort to pantomime my desire for some kind of roll-on spray-on or otherwise anti-sweat and smell stuff. I find someone who has a kind face someone who looks quiet and friendly and probably wont fall on the ground laughing as I raise my arm and make like a monkey getting ready for the prom. She understands instantly and walks me over to an isle I have been past countless times. Ahh my quest is done I think. She points to one can. One. I pick it up and low and behold it says antiperspirant in English at the bottom of the bottle. I say thank you and then she makes gestures like no you can’t buy this! I look confused and she says something I don’t understand and then puts the bottle back on the shelf. I deduce that it must be only a display bottle and ask if there is another bottle. She shakes her head then starts yelling to her co-workers across the store. I am assuming she is asking if there is any more of this stuff for this man who must smell bad! In situations like this I try to think of the worst case scenario. I could have been asking for hemorrhoid medicine. I leave with what was left of my dignity.

How can a store so large not have deodorant? I mean I have been on crowded busses and no one smells bad! So I ask my resident expert Craig who has been here several years and has a Chinese girlfriend. What up with the deodorant thing? He explains that Chinese don’t sweat. What! I think he is putting me on. No really they don’t sweat like we do. He recounts going for a run with his girlfriend and after a while noticing that he is drenched and she is dry as a bone. Who are these magical people who don't need deodorant??? They will surely take over the world! I mean, they study hard, their smart, they own the US economy and THEY DON'T SWEAT!!! How can we compete against that? 

I can sense that a small panic is starting among my fellow new ex-pats. I have extra, you can have one of mine…wait then I will be out and the summer is hot! What if I can’t find any either?   Everyone start hording your deodorant! My friend Bill says he brings back a years supply every time he goes to the States. I picture some smart foreigner who has figured this out and smuggles in cases of right guard and sells them for the price of a small car to unsuspecting guys like me. Meet me tomorrow and bring unmarked bills. Put them in a stuffed new years bunny and leave it next to the recycle bin. You will get a phone call telling you where to go. Say the secret word and you will get one stick of D. 

Man this is going to get complicated. I start feeling the sweat beading up on my forehead!   Noooooo! Craig says. There is a place called Watsons where you can buy it. Phew!