Health care. Aaaaand there off!!!

Every foreigner who comes to China with a work visa has to undergo a series of tests at a hospital to make sure they are not importing any communicable diseases. The process involved a 40 min cab ride to the hospital. When you enter there are signs that give you step-by-step instructions on what you have to do. Sit down fill out paperwork. Check! Go to cashier and pay. Check! Have your picture taken. Check! Then began the most amazingly efficient display of getting people through a barrage of tests in record time. Picture the start of the Indy 500 or better yet some kind of strange game show where contestants have to get all of their exams done and the winner wins a million dollars. There are five rooms you need to visit. At first it seemed linear. Ellen, the wife of one of my coworkers was going to experience this with me. She went into the blood draw room. I sat outside waiting for my turn. Soon a lady in a white coat came out and beckoned me into another room. Why sit around waiting when you could be more efficient. She had me lay down on a table and with the sign language I am getting use to had me lift my shirt. Next the jelly squirt and then she pressed a wand on my belly and started searching. I have seen this before but only for pregnant women. Had my chart been switched with the other person?? I know I could lose some weight but really? Did you miss the beard? I don’t think I am pregnant! I was told later that they do an ultrasound of your liver. Hmm Ok. She put some napkins on my chest and belly and indicated that she was done. I wiped myself down and grabbed my coat. One down.

As soon as I left the room I was directed to another room for the blood draw. That was pretty straightforward but they took a lot of blood. Was I donating to the cause or are they keeping a supply for me incase I get hurt? Ok done out the door. I looked down the hall and there were more women in lab coats flagging me to one door then another. I walked towards then not sure what room to go to. They were waving in some kind of code like the guys on aircraft carriers who bring jets in safely. I zigged one way and zagged another way and saw Ellen doing the same dance. She went to the door on the right so they diverted me last second with a quick wave of the arm to the door on the left.

Eye test. The woman behind the desk said something in Mandarin, I did what I often do. Look confused. She said in broken English. Stand red line! Ok cover eye! Read! I was looking at something that looked like an E or was it an M or was it a W or was it a 3? Then my dull senses figured out just point up down left right. Four symbols and I was out of there! I could hear Jackie Stewart ( the Scottish motor race announcer) talking into the microphone. “AAAAnd heeee’s oooot of the Aayyy test and ooooff to X-Rrraaaay. As I shuffled hurriedly across to the next door I saw Ellen shuffle past me going the opposite direction. We were moving like a precision marching band holding our coats and paperwork in front of us like drums. We just missed each other as we crossed. Put there I was told. Ah a place for my coat. Stand! Hold this! That was the fastest pit stop I have ever had for a chest X-Ray.

Back across the quad to the last room. This time there were two men in lab coats.  Stand here! A scale I deduced and hopped on. I have never had anyone react quite this way when I stood on a scale. I mean a nurse or two have given me that subtle look like, shouldn’t we lose a little weight? But they at least try to be polite about it. The digital readout has a pause and I saw one man bend over as if to look closer. (You need to know that in China people differ greatly in size but most of that is vertically. They are mostly thin and either short medium or tall. I don’t really fit that description. I was told that there was a story about the fattest man in China who had weighed in at around 400 lbs. There are some states in the US, which I won’t name where that would just be called chubby.) The digital readout announced the results then a sound of what I can only describe as amazement. Ooooooh! Then some discussion in Mandarin. I imagined what they were saying. Check the machine! Could this be a mistake? Should we call the newspaper? Should we call the TV station? Could that number be right! Can a human being really weigh that much? Were they impressed or scared? I don’t really want to think about it but I am seriously thinking of joining a gym. And no, I am not even close to the record.  The other man slapped a blood pressure sleeve on my arm and I was hoping for the best. He looked very satisfied as if to say, for a man or your girth and mass you seem to have a good working heart! Whew. Chinese people are very direct. They will tell someone you are ugly or you are fat and don’t mean it as an insult. It is just a fact that they are letting you know in case that information is helpful to you in some way. This was one time I was glad to not understand the language.

I think the whole process of examinations took less than a half hour. A little paperwork to return to the desk and we were out. Impressive for its efficiency, but not big on bedside manner. I didn’t mind because they were just doing tests that are straightforward and I appreciated not taking all day to do it. The HR person took me to the bank next to establish an account so my checks could be deposited. After the hurry up efficiency of the hospital we walked into the banks and must have hit some kind of invisible force shield because everything slowed down. Take a number….Wait…..sit for a long period of time….More waiting…..sloooow. It seemed like hours waiting to get to the counter but luckily a friend warned me to take a book with me. I looked up from my book and eyed a young boy sneaking looks at me. He looked like he wanted to stare but couldn’t. Finally after about ten minutes of hide and seek I waved and he smiled and waved back. He said something to his mom or grandmother and she looked at him like he had accomplished something. Then he looked up and said Hi! I said hi back and had a friend.

I must look strange in a land of thin people with little facial hair. I don’t know what they must think of me but so far the Chinese people on the street are pretty much unaffected by my presence. They don’t stare, they smile back most of the time if I smile first. My Chinese colleagues at the newspaper are very welcoming. Extremely so. I am starting to feel more comfortable in a new land. I really wish the language was a bit easier but I just have to be patient. Finally our number comes up and we fill out paperwork. It is amazing how much paperwork is still done at the banks here. There are triplicate forms lots of stamping cool looking red circles with symbols on each copy of the papers. The teller is an intern or so it says on his nametag. Funny thing, his name is in characters but intern is in English. I am a bit bored and looking around when I notice a box that has the teller’s photo on it and three buttons.  Each button has a light above it and I realize you are supposed to grade your teller. Satisfactory, Average or Unsatisfactory. So the best you can do is Satisfactory? I guess banking is the same all over as far as customer satisfaction. I got my ATM card with an image of a bunny on it. Why? Oh that’s right year of the rabbit. A coworker informed me that hers had a Tiger. I should have gotten here last year.